Human Dum-Dum

pats0 self-portrait

“I swear, gentlemen, that to be too conscious is an illness – a real thorough-going illness.”

–Fyodor Dostoyevsky Notes from the Underground

Bukowski once said something to the effect of: It was writing and the bottle that kept me alive…something like that. For a while, maybe a year…or two, I’ve been trying one half of that equation–vigorously. I haven’t really been writing a lot, and it’s a bit depressing. So I think I’ll try both halves and see how that works out.
I’m not sure why I set an arbitrary 1000 words per post rule. I think I do this to myself for nefarious reasons. I can’t be 100 percent sure. I can remember why I didn’t want to go over that number, but I can be under. This is me giving myself permission to do shorter blog posts. Clearly, this is a throw away paragraph and will not be in the final draft. What? How did you do that, you scrappy paragraph? Well, at any rate–I can’t stay mad at you, you rapscallion.
That last paragraph was a breach of the trust that we have built as writer and reader. And I apologize. This is obviously a blatant attempt at word-padding. And it is beneath us both. But you try and tell that paragraph to get outta here. You can’t; can you? I ain’t mad. Group hug: me, you, and the paragraph.
I recently quit my job. I tried to stay on as long as I could. That’s a lie. I could have stayed on longer, but things were getting dumber there and I’d lost my sense of humor about the entire mess. So, I gave them my three days notice and bounced. Generally, when quitting a job I give two weeks’ notice as a courtesy. But that is if I’m moving on to another opportunity. If that company was inclined to terminate my employment, they would not give me two weeks’ notice. They’d tell me to hand over my keys and leave the property. And I was less quitting my job than firing them as my company. So that’s a justification. But it’s an honest one. As honest as can be expected from the likes of me. This is our unwritten agreement. That made me giggle more than it should’ve.
The fact is, I came up with a philosophy years ago that follows–roughly: “There’s gotta be an easier way to die broke, and we all die broke”. I don’t know if it’s a life-hack or a rationalization. Either way, I’ve a propensity…possibly an addiction…for hitting the reset button on life. But, I’m not the one who made the button red and candy-like. You’re welcome, Ren and Stimpy fans the world over. This blog gets read in Korea, though I’ve little evidence that it’s gaining any traction in that time-zone. But I regress, daily. That made me a giggle an appropriate amount.
Of recent, I tried a thought experiment. I did it on accident at first, but then it became more deliberate. It happened on Facebook, the: “Boys of Summer” (Don Henley version) of the internet. I’d over-estimated the collective intellect of Facebook (I realize that people get offended when one questions another’s actions intellectually; I don’t like it either but as the great sage Lil’ Weezy is wont to quip: “I don’t go around fire, expectin’ not to sweat”.) I commented about Planned Parenthood in response to a hoax video that I’d already known as a farce (me and the rest of the interweb), that The Face had not come to terms with…or: with which Facebook had not yet come to terms. I do not mean to be vulgar. The baby parts “selling” video…it’s not real…Bing it, or Google it, or check out the front page of the internet: Reddit…it is fake.
My next post is about my interactions with some people whom I love. People with whom I can discuss a great deal of issues. But people who seem to have determined that the suggestion of Planned Parenthood–as a positive–communicates that you are pro-abortion. Which is unsettling for this pro-choice/pro-life human dum-dum…


That’s Me in the Corner

let it shine, this light of mine...burn it down...what?!?

let it shine, this light of mine…burn it down…what?!?

“Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.” –Napoleon Bonaparte

I haven’t been here in a while. I’m sure my absence has not gone unnoticed. My hands can feel the lack of intimacy they once enjoyed with my laptop. They are fumbling and clumsy and my brain struggles with both recalling ideas and monitoring my two left, thumb-heavy, hands. Some topics are harder to live with than others. Every time I come to the thought of this post, I find something far more satisfying to think about. This is my rationalization, in a paragraph or less.

I’ve given you a summation of my faith as it was influenced in my youth. This post is about my own journey into Christianity.

Like all worthwhile things in which a young male can find himself entangled, my Christian faith began with a girl. More to the point: a girlfriend. Her sister–who was ten, or so, years her senior had taken her to a church service. When she returned home she called me in an excited state. She was raised Catholic-ish and this church was an entirely different experience from that. She had enjoyed her time at Family Worship Center.
Family Worship Center was an Evangelical, Fundamentalist, Bible-Preaching, Pentecostal-Leaning group of people who were, and still are (as far as I know), being manipulated by a portly, affable, charismatic man, and his family. I wouldn’t learn that for a few years. When my girlfriend called me she invited me to a meeting. Looking back, it seems to me that, given her excitement, a young me might’ve had a hard time turning down such an invitation. At that time in my life I sought any excuse to leave my parent’s house and hang out with my girlfriend. I had little trouble. The conversation ended in what could be best described as an adolescent tiff. Read: deeply unsatisfying.

After the phone conversation, my girlfriend and her sister prayed for me. This was revealed to me after I had reconsidered my initial reaction to her invitation called her back and accepted. My young mind had a hard time contextualizing this fact. Once I had given my life to God and asked Jesus into my heart, I put my girlfriend’s prayer in the “miracle” category. It was the first sliver of evidence that God had any interest in me. As I age I’ve come to realize that my reconsidering an irrational reaction to an invitation does not require divine intervention. I react irrationally then reconsider said reaction all. the. time…it’s how I roll, to use the parlance of the youth of a decade ago…

Boring. I started this post 6, or so, months ago. It felt like a good idea. I felt an obligation to explain something about myself. That obligation was made up…it was manufactured in my 41 year-old child’s brain, not to say I have a 41 year-old child. I, at the age of 41 (and into 42), have a child’s brain. Not to say that I extracted the brain of a living, healthy, and happy child and put it in a jar and added that jar to my collection of jar-bound treasures. I mean my brain is child-like.

I’m reading a book about writing a good memoir…I know it sounds like a circle-jerk, but it is a tad more satisfying, trust me. The author writes that the secret to recalling a memory is to hear the screen-door slamming. I agree with her: sound, or certain smells, or the mental image of the glimmer in a friend’s eyes are very reliable place-holders for memories. This is why I spent most of my twenties and the bulk of my thirties trying to forget most of those things. I hate letting all that hard work go to waste.

It’s like a detox…why would I want to detox? I spent a lot of money on those toxins. What kinda scam you runnin’ here, doc?

I regard my childhood memories like a street-person who has a vibe that can only reliably be described as: unhinged. I don’t want to be disrespectful, and as such, I want to acknowledge their presence. But I don’t want to lock in. I do not want to be the Hanoi landing-pad for their cerebral refugees.

My memories are like a distant cousin who went off his meds, against the wishes of everyone, save the voices in his head. In this scenario, I am me–nursing my third Ranger IPA because we are at a family reunion and I’m starting to catch a buzz and I need to keep my shit together (those of you who know me get that joke). The fresh beers are across the room–behind me, and I’m headed to the bathroom with one half of one warm IPA. My un-medicated cousin is standing on line for the same bathroom which originated my trip from being cold beer-adjacent to being loony cousin-adjacent. Then, he turns around and starts explaining the minutia of President Obama’s birth-certificate. And some things he’s been reading about Operation Jade Helm 15 on the web. So I’m stuck drinking a shitty beer and listening to things that I don’t believe or care about.

My childhood is like 9/11: of course I have questions. But I don’t want any fucking answers. You need to have your larger can in place before you start opening cans of worms like some kinda asshole–it’s just common sense.

So I’m not writing that post. Not now, maybe never…because I don’t have to. I went to Kaua’i to help build a Christian church community and during that time I realized: “I don’t give a fuck if anyone believes in the saving power of Jesus’ sacrifice”, because I don’t believe in it. It was just something someone told me and I believed it (and I mean, really believed it) for a couple of decades because it was a great distraction from life. At least it was for me.

I’ve gone into every situation thinking that it’ll work itself out. That is my resting face, life-choices speaking. That idea was never more challenged than when I went to Kaua’i as a church-planter and came home as a Deity-indifferent alcoholic. That shit did not work itself out. What the fuck, life? But life knows that I play the role of bully and victim seamlessly. I come by both honestly, and I’ve no predilection to apologize for either.

I do not regret going to that beautiful island-county, don’t get me wrong. I learned one very important life-lesson. I have no real sense of who I am. I don’t never know if I ever did. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t doing an impression of the person that the people around me wanted me to be. And I don’t know why that is. I know the blame falls on me. The onus rests on the individual to be said individual. That is true. But, why would I do the foot-work for a therapist who is destined to relieve me of a hard-earned buck or two? Or, mayhaps, I’ll die and it’ll still be a mystery. Either way, I’m no fan of spoilers. Let me enjoy the movie.

I am not a Christian. Nor am I a materialist. I’m comfortable with a reality that transcends my understanding. But, I’m not gonna try and figure it out. I figure that if that transcendent entity has an interest in me, it knows where to find me. If that happens, I suspect it’ll have some questions for me…I will have some questions too. You see: I’m a lover, not a fighter…but I’m a passionate lover. So, pack a lunch. Either way it goes down, calories will be burned.

One other thing, to nobody in particular, don’t give a person self-awareness and then demand that they deny themselves…that’s a dick move, bro…(or sis, ladies?)

Churchill’s Dog

You using that leg?

You using that leg?

“That terrible mood of depression of whether it’s any good or not is what is known as The Artist’s Reward.” –Ernest Hemingway

Churchill’s “Black Dog” is sniffing around my leg again. He’s not hanging around to hump it or piss on it. He’s waiting for me to be done using it. Then, he’ll pick it dry and clear the bone of marrow. Who knows what next, but my liver is well preserved so–if he’s smart–he’ll go for the heart. It’s not getting any softer, dog.
In the past, I would’ve kept this a secret for a while. On account of my shame. I’d have driven myself crazy imagining people drawing a corollary, or even worse, the direct cause of my depression being my recent religious conversion to: godless heretical heathen, or–what I call: reasonable seeker (6 of one and all that rot). I spent the bulk of my thirties both worshiping the son of god and being profoundly depressed. I medicated with prayer, pills, and lots of sweet, sweet booze. Nothing worked. And maybe the cocktail was to blame. But I’ve neither the time nor patience for armchair shrinkery. I probably have the time. But: time sans patience is a cruel trick.
It’s been a while since the dog has tracked me so tenaciously. I’m still mourning the loss of Kauai in a strange way. I don’t harbor the delusion that I could get back what I had when last there. But I haven’t felt “at home” since I got back to The Evergreen State. We were squatting at a friend’s old house and now we are house-sitting for another friend until this spring upcoming. The house is beautiful and I’ve always felt comfortable here, but it’s weirdly unsettling. Like playing house–with hubris. I have a new job. I think I can say without fear of hyperbole: I fucking hate it. And mayhaps that’s the crux of it all. With one caveat, I fear leaving this job will give me no reason to get up…no goal to employ the “one foot in front of the other” trudgery which is a wickedly effective salve to the soul. I’m too close to chance it.
The job is as Sisyphean as any I’ve had. I run a front-end loader around a rock quarry, digging out of various piles of rock. I then take those scoops of rock up a hill and dump them into a feeder that services a rock crusher. I am literally pushing rocks up a hill. I will grant you: it isn’t the same rock over and over again. But in a freezing December down pour when the entire quarry turns slick and purple–like animal husbandry–it is impossible to distinguish one rock from the other. At least from where I sit.
Worse still, is the complete lack of imagination shared by almost every one of my colleagues. Good conversation is a welcomed oasis. But it is every bit as deep and engaging as a mirage. I am a pretentious asshole. I own that part without loss of sleep (usually). I whittle the hours of my life there listening to podcasts and engaging in tumultuous inner-dialogue.
I work really hard to not carry that frustration home with me. But it is impossible. On good days I’m disengaged from the rest of the house. But on days when I am engaged I vacillate wildly between lashings-out and sullen apologies. And none of it feels real. It is all forgotten by the next morning. I wake up with a vague sense of failure behind me and more rocks and hills in front. Kristy has been my hero through it all. I nearly lost her.
I had come to fear that our trust was beyond repair. I was wrong. A definitive stance on such a topic when both bodies are breathing and willing is almost always: premature. But I’m no marriage counselor…you do what you like. I had a couple of friends do their best to help through that situation. I appreciated their help, but–in the end–I had to weigh the loss. There is no easy way to sum up twenty plus years of life. It becomes a gut thing at that point. Thank god for small miracles. Whatever that means.
I can say that there was one standout text that I received during that time. That time when I was scared and confused about what the right decision was for the future of myself and my family, whom I love. And I am aware that there are those among you who feel as strongly as anything that there is no confusion to be had in the face of such a decision, to you I say: I envy your self-assurance…I’ve never had it. But this text was as succinct as it was dismissive. It read: “I heard the news; disappointed man”. That may not be an exact quote, but it contains the exact sentiments from the text which originated 2-sometimes-3 time zones west of Bremerton. One: the qualification of “the news”, he hadn’t heard it from me, I’m not sure how many sources he’d consulted, but–nevertheless– it was “the news”. And Two: disappointment, the bastard-child of outright condemnation. The term: “disappointed” carries not the authority of its unavailable father, but it knows how to appease its father without over-stepping its bounds. “I lack the authority to condemn you, but good luck trying to parse the difference within the distinction, asshole”. Message received.
I had hoped to end this post with an heroic assertion: “Fuck it, I’m quitting my job!”…that’s not happening. As I write these final words, it is 8pm on a Sunday night and I’m staring down the barrel of a dismal, albeit short, but dismal week…shortish: half- day on Wednesday–that’s Christmas Eve. Santa’s Birthday I get off, that’s Thursday. But then I work all day Friday and 6hrs on Saturday. So–yeah–shit-storm week. With no end in sight. But, after talking to my friend Matt, I realized that my job is not the problem. It is not the solution. But neither is quitting said. The problem is adjustment…I’m not adjusting well, and quitting my job would be useless and reactionary. I have no problem with being reactionary. But I despise being useless.
And to the dog: find another leg, motherfucker. I’m still using this one…

You May Be Right

This is called foreshadowing, folks...

This is called foreshadowing, folks…

“The unexamined life is not worth living, man” –Demetri Martin

It has been since March last I darkened this particular internet doorway. Apparently having fun is no reliable bridge-troll on one’s path toward the flight of time. But there has been some fun, kiddos…fear not.
My family and I have moved from the Garden Island to the Emerald City (Emerald City adjacent) after only lasting one half of one year in paradise. I guess we’re just purgatory types; who knew? I have yet to determine whether or nether the leaving of the Island County of Kauai belongs in the W (win) or L (loss) column of life. My honest suspicion is that it’ll land in the WGAF (who gives a fuck) column. This is a column reserved for the score-keeping of existential crises too complicated to solve in the years I’ve been allotted. It’s best just to move on. Mayhaps I’ll revisit the issue.
I had hoped to get more writing done during my time in Hawaii, but like my friend Matt says: “There’s a reason why the folks from island paradises didn’t take over the world” (do not allow the quotes to fool you, that was a paraphrase…a poor paraphrase). The point being: warm, satisfied, happy people aren’t long on lofty ambition. Those ambitions are best left to cold, white, sexually repressed folks–you know–like they got in Europe. And he is right. It is rare when Matt is wrong about such. I did manage to get some writing done for the natural foods store where I was employed for the bulk of my stay. I was the lead copy writer and editor for the blog that accompanied their website…our website. This was and is no small source of pride for me. I even wrote this post which inspired a woman to tears. She shared this moment with me while I was ringing her up at the counter (I was also a cashier, and a shift manager, as well as a closer. But I’ve already bragged about that position so I won’t bore you) having no idea that I was the post’s author. This was the single greatest highlight of my writing career to date. A close second, my meeting Walt Morey–author of: “Gentle Ben” and “Run Far, Run Fast”–when I was in grade-school. He also authored: “Sandy and the Rockstar”, but at this point I’m showing off–sounding like all of the other needy and desperate Walt Morey groupies or “Morey-Whoreys”: as we are wont to call ourselves. At any rate, it was huge for me.
While on the island, I made a grip of great friends and three of the best friends a boy could want. The final reckoning of a short history of all things me might reveal that I lost more friends than I gained during that period of my life. I face said with no regrets. But, again, the numbers aren’t in.
Jesus and I broke up while I was there. That makes it sound like an event. It was not an event, it was a series of events, spanning somewhere between 5 and 10 years. The chronology is squirrely(It’s a squirrel!). We still love each other. I’m just not apologizing for things about which he’s never considered. Also, I’m not constantly pestering him to put in a good word for me with his old man. My indifference toward god has been a source of consternation more for his (or her, ladies?) followers than for the actual being who seems to be unaware of my disbelief…much like my prior belief. More on this up coming.
Tangential Aside Alert: I think, and I’m sure you’ll agree, that “facial scrub” model is the toughest modeling gig out there. Have you ever noticed that these heroic women are rubbing what amounts to sand all over their faces whilst smiling ear to ear? Practically beaming, really. I use an apricot scrub to promote the radiant glow of my pallid, Irish, pock-marked crater-face. When I use this scrub, I imagine myself looking like Gilbert Gottfried. Like Gilbert Gottfried receiving a prostate exam. From a gigantopithecus. Like a gigantopithecus somehow mustered his (or her, ladies?) way through med school and somehow through an horrific karmic tale of woe became the family practitioner in charge of Gilbert Gottfried’s prostate exam. And the ape has an OCD habit of needing to use two fingers. No one knows why this is, but most suspect it’s on account of Aladdin. This is how I imagine my face looks while using an abrasive facial scrub. So, yeah, those ladies are pretty much heroes…suck it, fireladies (or men, fellas?).
I’m not sure what is to become of this blog. I may be over it, and you might be too. I’m not sure. I’m still writing the short-story from which I shared the first two chapters on this very page. But I will not be posting the ensuing chapters here. I plan on finishing it and handing copies out to some folks (who may be tortured–your play, Obama.) for their frank and intelligent consideration. It just seems like a more productive plan.
So here we are. If you are disappointed in my lack of prolifery (not to be confused with pro-lifery…I’m not anti-life either–don’t get the wrong idea–I love life, mostly. rather this is a modification of the term: “prolific” with which the human language mill has yet to ketchup), I am truly sorry. I did not see this coming either. But we are moving forward. The muse, she mumbles and–when I am not being a lazy pile of waded shit-stained toilet paper–I listen, usually. But hey, you know what they say, progress and some other stuff…

It’s Been a Minute: But Fear Lightly

smile and the whole world in his hands...

smile and the whole world in his hands…

I’m still working on chapter 3…My brain produced a new plot element that has to be included in chapter 3.  This called for a re-write…after an existential melt-down…forgive my stating of the obvious, won’t you?

It’s been tough…this adventure to the garden isle.  I’m having a hard time finding my rhythm.  Especially with regard to writing time (the time I use to write, not time that I’m writing…I don’t write time, I just act like I do…I’m aware).  I was telling my friend that this was the hardest button to swallow.  He said it was worse than I thought because now I’m mixing metaphors.  He was right.  It is rare when Matt is wrong on such.

So read the first 2 chapters and comment.  I will be using the comments for editing when I write the second draft for publishing.  We are gonna get through these dark days like we always do: together with liberal amounts of hyperbole and hubris…Mahalo

A Broken the Hand is Worth Two in the Fist

"It's like making a tattoo, Daddy, but it's not." --Ruby

“It’s like making a tattoo, Daddy, but it’s not.” –Ruby

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” –Kurt Vonnegut

I broke my hand recently.  It happened when stress and frustration joined forces with my fear of being found a fraud.  Together they conspired against the better angels of my nature to hobble me.  It is tough to type now.

I tried using voice recognition software as a means of dictation to build a MS Word document.  My computer barely survived the ordeal.

As a result, correspondence will be slowed in the near future.

Since breaking my hand I’ve noticed that, having heard the story, people fall into one of two categories: 1) Those who show empathy/sympathy for the frustration that I felt, and 2) Those who make the obvious remark that hitting a cabinet is a stupid choice.  I am ever fascinated by those who feel the need to state the obvious.  I am also fascinated by religious television programming.  Not that Pat Robertson states the obvious.  Rather, it is the lack of self-awareness–combined with the compulsion to force one’s voice, regardless how awkwardly, into any given situation–that bind the Pat Robertsons and the “Staters of the Obvious” in this world.

We’ve all but sold our house.  The projected closing date is December 30th.  We’ve been here before not here, per-se, but within eyesight; time will tell…she always do.

For some time I’ve wanted to do a blog with a long view on vision.  A blog that has a magazine-like philosophy of content.  The other day, while driving northbound on State Route 3 between Belfair and Sunnyslope, it came to me.  I realized the topic: DIY paint projects.  I decided that I want to do photo-shoots and interviews with anyone who has refurbished a car, wall, dresser, room, or anything else using their imagination–rather than cash–as the impetus of revelation.  I’ve already lined up my first interview.  The blog will be called: Rattle Candy…provided no one has already taken the name…

Was hitting the cabinet a stupid choice?  The answer is rendered moot if it fails to clearly present itself prior to hitting the cabinet.

I posted some pictures of a new obsession of mine: Stencil Graffiti, on my Tumblr…Check it out here

The Loudest Quiet Week Ever: Hyperbole is Overrated

Getting in to Halloween Mode

Getting in to Halloween Mode

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” –Albert Einstein 

I know, you’re disappointed…I get it.  I’ve been lazy.  I’ve been distracted.  I haven’t felt like staring down the barrel of a loaded blinking cursor.  Call me a coward…but do it under your breath, when I’m not looking.  I’m a sensitive coward.

The house almost sold, but there arose a hang-up when it was discovered that the buyers wanted our house airlifted from the property and a new one put in its place.  Or maybe they were hoping for some sort of time-machine clause–upon closing–where-in they would be transported back to when the house was new.  It’s hard to say.  We are taking a little break from the real-estate game.

I didn’t spend any time on my Tumblr either.  I had a couple of ideas.  I was working through how to implement the sets, but I never got to a place where I liked what was happening.  It’s hard to build dentist chairs for “Littlest Pet Shop” figures (for some of you that was a spoiler).  So I didn’t shoot it.

I’ve been working a lot (sort of) on an important post.  It hasn’t been an easy one.  Whereas, generally, I can write one of my posts (roughly 1000 words) in 3hours (give or take; plus some light editing), this one has less than 500 words and has taken me a few months.  It feigns weakness and, when I move in to attack, it knocks me around.  This usually results in my staring out of the window for hours.  I’m hoping to finish it for my 100 post.  But, in all reality, that is some trite bullshit.  It’ll be done when it wants to be…I’ve very little say in this one.

It would be easy for me to say that these are dark times.  There are many reasons why it feels that way.  Not just for me personally, but everybody is starting to get froggy…jumping at the first sign of unrest.  They say that Homeland Security is vamping up for an impending escalation in civil turbulence.  I suppose this would make me more nervous if Homeland Security had any evidence for their own competence.  But they, like “No Child Left Behind” and many more Bush-era programs, are…clownish.  And, like all clowns, they lack self-awareness.  Hey clowns: people are not cheered up by leering joy-feigning adult humans in white-face.  Exceptions to that are made for the sake of irony, but for the most part…it’s a pass.  Dark times?  Maybe.  But they could be darker.  When one needs candles one does not use the last moments of the candle currently in use to complain about its dimness.  One looks for another candle.  Chances are, they’re in the last place you used them, next to your rig…this analogy has lost its effectiveness and is taking on a darkness all its own…let’s move on.

I tend to get itchy when I spend a week away from tossing words together to make myself feel important.  But I also feel good to be free from some of my more narcissistic pursuits.  I’m hoping to be back on track in the coming week…we’ll see–things are a little quiet around here and it is starting to make me deaf…

Three Reasons Why Blogging in Lists is Hacky

Senior Cracked Editor: "8 reasons why Will Smith is against legalizing weed!  Print it!"

Senior Cracked Editor: “8 reasons why Will Smith is against legalizing weed! Print it!”

“Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.”–Thurgood Marshall

There is a disturbing trend in western culture.  It is the information-conveyance equivalent of mechanically-separated meats.  I am talking about the “list” format: the act of turning information into an easily digestible paste.  Though I tire easily of “dumbing-down of humanity” rhetoric, consuming information through lists does make people dumber.  Worse, it’s becoming a staple of communication.  Found in everything from self-help books, sermon-series, and even the most noble of correspondence: the internet web-log–the list format seems to be here to stay…at least until some easier way of staying “informed” comes available.  Twitter?

I had no problem with this trend when it was relegated to sites who, fueled by either a sense of necessity or irony, built their reputation on hackery.  Some sites even made good use of the format by employing it to veil the unearthing of deeper social commentary., I’m looking at you…but those were the salad days of socially-conscious trivial pursuits…they’re gone now, aren’t they Cracked.  But now that sites to which I once turned for inspirational prose– like: Thought Catalog–are using this trope, the entire interweb is turning into content that looks as though it was cut and pasted from a reddit comments thread.  Shitty behavior, interweb, shitty behavior.  So now, without further word-count padding, three reasons why blogging in lists is hacky:

1) The Reasons for “Something Being Something” is a Number Much Higher Than These Lists Let On.

I’m not going to bog this post down with dry scientific facts followed by long bibliographical evidence to prove my point.  Why?  Well that’s just not the way we do things here at the Guild.  Plus, you are a well-informed reader, a person of the world who would be insulted by any attempt at pandering.  And rightfully so.  The fact is, science has shown time and time again that 98% of all lists that highlight “why something is a certain way” should have a count of: 346 reasons.  Now I’m not suggesting that everyone begin making their blog posts long enough to accommodate this well-documented number.  That would be insane.  I am suggesting that almost any blog that has not logged in around 150 reasons for “something being someway” have barely scratched the surface of their topic.  It’s akin to performing open-heart surgery having only read the directions on the back of a low-dose aspirin bottle.  Am I suggesting that the bulk of bloggers are irresponsible?   If the child-proof cap fits…click, click, click–cuss, cuss, cuss–then get a hammer.

2)  Most of These Lists Use A Trick favored by the Hair-Band Music Industry Known as: “More Filler Than Killer”.

This, of course, is problematic for a couple of reasons.  The first being: we are busy people–evolution, through the mechanism of natural selection (and 24hr. news-cycles), has shrunken the part of the human brain that was once tolerant of “filler”.  This is not 1983 when, droves of people in the throes of a coke-binge, would run out to their respective Pontiac Fieros, squeal and swerve down to the local Tower Records (Google it), and hand over 10 sweaty American dollars in exchange for the latest Quiet Riot cassette tape in an attempt to control their loin-deep hunger for Slade covers.  No, this is 2000something (I’m told).  We have YouTube, and an insatiable need for “killer”.   

The second is more existential, at least for me.  You might find yourself thinking (and rightly so): “pats0, how could it both be true that most blog-lists are more filler than killer, and most bloggers neglect to include the bulk of reasons for why “something is how it is”–as you intelligently, nay, heroically pointed out?  To which I would respond: “Good question; when was the last time someone pointed out that you are smart and that your hair looks beautiful in the screen-light of your chosen reading device, sir?”  That usually works.  So let us move now to reason three–the most reasonable point to which folks point when looking for reasons…

3)  Most of The Killer Reasons Given by the Majority of Bloggers aren’t Even Apropos of the Alleged Heading and are Only Interesting Because They’ve Been Massaged with Hyperbolic Speculation.

I know this must seem like an exaggeration.  Things aren’t always what they seem.  Like when John Hinckley Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan.  We all assumed it was because Hinckley had it out for confused American heroes.  Turns out it was done in order to push anti-American assault-weapons bans that would eventually be over-turned by the son of the, then, Vice-President.  This was meant to polarize politics severely enough to render the constitution a useless document.  That, in turn, would lead to the replacement of the constitution with the by-laws adopted by Yale’s secret society: Skull and Bones.  A society whose alumni include: both aforementioned Bushes, 85% of the most influential members of The Bilderberg Group, Every Shift-Manager of Chic-Fil-A, and Osama Bin Laden’s great-grandfather who, it is said, proposed to Alex Jones’ great-great-grandmother who was the acting faculty-liaison at a bloodletting ceremony in the light of a Connecticut full-moon 30 feet below the Quad of the New Haven campus.  Hinckley, you nefarious son-of-a-bitch.

So that just proves: things aren’t always what they seem.  The verifiably scientific facts don’t lie: Hyperbole informs EVERYTHING!  Even the thing you’re thinking right now: “This seems like an exaggeration.”  Does it?  Or has your own propensity toward blowing things out of proportion been so over-developed that small things become big, and smaller things become more bigger, over-lapping in to perpetuity, like an ill-advised Groundhog Day sequel–Groundhog Day 2: Ground Hogger?  That well never runs dry…

I’m aware that there are parts of this blog that seem problematic.  This will naturally lead you to the conclusion that I am contradicting myself here.  That is your right.  But it is my right as a writer to ask you to kindly leave my blog now…(first, be a dear and click the “like” button).  Now leave…but come back for the next post…you’re going to “like” that one too…I have 150 reasons why, but you’re not supposed to be here right now so what’s the point?

Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.
Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.
Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.
Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.

My Tumblr PT 2: What Does The Fox Say?

What Did He Say!?!?!?!?

What Did He Say!?!?!?!?

“Abay-ba-da bum-bum bay-do” –The Fox (allegedly)

This is another picture story that I made and posted to my Tumblr.  I’ve noticed that building the sets and framing the pictures is more fun than the rest of the process.  I’ve also noticed that it makes me think about story differently.  I’m learning more every time I try.  This one is just a sight-gag about the Ylvis song.  It is sophisticated so: beware.  I run deep.  You can see it here.