What Did He Say!?!?!?!?
“Abay-ba-da bum-bum bay-do” –The Fox (allegedly)
This is another picture story that I made and posted to my Tumblr. I’ve noticed that building the sets and framing the pictures is more fun than the rest of the process. I’ve also noticed that it makes me think about story differently. I’m learning more every time I try. This one is just a sight-gag about the Ylvis song. It is sophisticated so: beware. I run deep. You can see it here.
Honesty…
“I always liked the idea that America is a big facade. We are all insects crawling across on the shiny hood of a Cadillac. We’re all looking at the wrapping. But we won’t tear the wrapping to see what lies beneath.” –Tom Waits
I’m not sure what to say…I’m writing because I know if I don’t it might be awhile before I do again. That’s the way I roll. Laziness is the “resting-face” of my behavior. I’m okay with that. I’m 40 years old and I’m starting to be comfortable with who I am. I know; better late than never. Not: “I’m more good than bad–so–I can’t be all that bad” comfortable. More like: “good and bad aren’t really quantifiable, but I’m not embarrassed by either–I’m only sorry for the people I’ve hurt” comfortable. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t really want to not not hurt people either…least-wise not efficaciously.
Truth is, in some cases I do want to do things that might hurt people.
My plan for this post was to draw parallels between The Bible’s Jonah and the weirdo Gastonguay family of Arizona. Have you heard of these folks? They were really tired of–what they viewed as–an overstretch, by the federal U.S. government, into their religious liberties. I know, shocking…generally folks from that region are so level-headed…
They decided the only answer was to board a small sailing vessel and head toward an island in the middle of nowhere somewhere between Hawai’i and Australia. Easy-peezy, as they say. With an 8 month old. Less easy-peezy. And no real plan on how to accomplish this task. God-mode (hehehe: Doom references). They said that they’d: “decided to take a leap of faith and see where God led us [them]” (I’m pretty sure that they didn’t all decide that)…
They got lost at sea on a boat that was badly beaten, and nearly sunk, by the storms they’d endured(a biblical-plague number)–until some Venezuelans rescued them. Long story short, God led them right back to Arizona with no boat and a $20,000 debt for “travel” costs; which I’m confident they’ll pay because if there’s one thing I know about political conservatives it’s that they always take responsibility for their actions…
They’re planning on leaving again…
Which means they’re just a little more obtuse than Jonah who got the point after being puked up on a shore having spent, somewhere in the neighborhood of, 72 hours in the stomach of a giant whale. Note: If the thought–“It wasn’t a giant whale, it was a big fish”–just crossed your mind, you should realize that that distinction does not make the story sound less crazy.
Are we clear, literalists?
Aces.
That was my story–poking fun at Arizonan Tea-Party Conservative Evangelicals. Like punching someone in the dark.
But then I realized doing that would probably lead me to areas of my mind where hurtful things are stored. So I decided not to do that. In that spirit: please disregard the bulk of the preceding paragraphs.
I have my own issues with hearing the call of God…whatever that means.
My friend Matt once told me that I was a “yes” guy. He went on to explain that “yes” people say yes to things unless there is an obvious reason to say no. As opposed to “no” people whose “resting-face” answer is no, provided no compelling reason to say yes arises. I’m not sure if that is true about me. I know I felt a certain sense of pride when he said that. So it’s safe to say: I wish it were true.
Maybe that’s just the way God talks to me. Maybe God just throws shit my way, knowing that I always say yes.
I’ve learned over the years that the more I learn about the world and people and God, the less I know about all of them.
I’ve also learned that knowing less isn’t such a big deal. The “knowing” is an artifice to which I’ve grown accustomed, it is nice to look at, but it offers no sheer-strength. It just sits there, hanging off of life, waiting for an earthquake to unleash its potential as a person-crushing pile of rubble…
Sometimes cute Asian Kittys argue…
“I think anyone who buys a large number of zip-ties and then uses them in a careless fashion should at least prepare themselves to face the irony that they’ll one day die adrift at sea one zip-tie short of fashioning a sail.” –a recent tweet of mine
It’s been a slow news week…at least for the news that I cover. But that does not mean that there is no news…nay, good friend–nay. I am starting something new. A new arm of The Pirate Clown Guild of Free-Thinkers. New things usually suck…this has been my experience. My tumblr is a new way of telling stories and having fun with my Nikon Coolpix S630 that my friend Nathan gave me. I wrote a short piece of dialogue and illustrated it using photos I took of my oldest daughter’s Hello Kitty Lego set. I know that many of you have lots of blogs that you follow regularly, but if you get a second check out the post. You might like it. It is found here…
your pride was less annoying when it came with a sense of style…
“My parents are very religious…very pro-Iraq-conflict…’Cause that’s what Jesus would do; smoke them out of their holes like the gentle carpenter, oh he only turns the other cheek to grab another can of whoop-ass…” –Maria Bamford
Dear Christian Churches:
Hey folks, I know it’s been a tough season. Money has been tight. Formerly needy people are finding new ways of comforting themselves. Crazy fringe groups like: Greater Ministries International, the Westborough Baptists, Focus on the Family, CBN, and the GOP, have co-opted our message and distorted it to the point of being unrecognizable. People are buying in like crazy. People are like crazy. People are crazy. People be cray-cray. It’s been tough.
This hasn’t been true for all of us. For some, times are good. For some, the walls and doors of their buildings can barely contain the number of devoted followers who joyfully rush to their respective over-stuffed houses of worship and make it rain. Every. Chance. They. Get. The coffers are full. Their problem is different. Their question is: Do we create more worship services, or move to a different space? That is the purpose of this letter.
Please stop erecting new church buildings.
You suck at it. There was a time when we, as a faith, killed it when it came to architecture. Most of the great artists and trades-people were on board with our mission (not by choice, but seriously, to-may-toe_to-mah-toe). As a result, there exist beautiful structures that double as grand examples of devoted worship. That is not the case anymore. Like the great sage Glenn Frye (actually it was Don Henley–kindly pointed out by Jill in the comments) once said: “…those days are gone forever, we should just let ’em go”. These days, churches are more apt to drive through the town in which they’re called to serve, passing every abandoned commercial shit-box, to find a fresh plot of land, and build their own ply-wood and glass shit-box. Not cool guys. Not cool.
Every single one of these boxes will one day be shuttered. Then what? Nothing, nobody wants that building. It becomes an ugly and hollow visage of its former mediocrity. If it is small enough, one might be able to find a non-profit thrift-store or crisis-pregnancy center (both seem to have a similar distrust for aesthetic) to fill the void between the walls; for a season. But, for the most part, it just sits there in a state of perpetual decay until–one day–it catches fire or is torn down by the city for safety reasons. A testimony for all to witness.
I remember being involved with such a situation when the church I was attending left the Seventh-Day Adventist building in which they were meeting to build a monstrosity in the woods…next to a golf-course community. The church, which I’ll call: Christ the Rock Community Church, left the building we were occupying because we were asked to leave by the Adventists. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault. It was the result of two differing Christian worldviews that could not find common ground anymore. So maybe it was everyone’s fault. These things can be tricky. But, at a time when we were looking to find a new place to call home, Wal-Mart had successfully won the battle against the local (pro-living-wage) K-Mart (yet another evidence that free-market economics lack perspective). The former K-Mart building was vacant and available. It would’ve served as a great building. The reason given for not utilizing that building was: cost…not that the money wasn’t there, it would’ve cost more to renovate than to build a new building. We know now that this was a result of heavily manipulated stressors on real-estate and building supplies; things over which the average church community has no control.
But that’s my point, it’s the short-sightedness of building funds that stifle us. Even if the cost was legitimately more burdensome, imagine the testimony to the surrounding community that a vacant eye-sore could be made into something useful. This would effectively transform a building fund into a general ministries or missionary fund. A bargain at twice the price. Re-purposed buildings are physical examples of redemption to a community. They are examples of the gospel…a gospel of second chances. In this transubstantiation, commonplace brick and mortar become the words of God–just as ink and paper, or the actions of the devoted, do.
The other beautiful thing that happens when you re-purpose a building is that nothing is lost. When the community moves on, the building is every bit as useful as it was when they got there. Unlike the ply-wood shit-boxes in the forest, commercial properties remain commercial properties to be filled or torn down as the land-owners and surrounding community see fit. There is a stasis achieved that is bigger and more stable than the whims of a church board in crisis.
Or don’t have a building. If you’ve money, find a place that you can use and disperse the money into the economy by supporting the school, or grange, or community center in which you meet. It offers you less autonomy, but it is in the wrestling…the negotiation…the forced contact with those in charge that we are forced out of our western passive-aggressive monastic state. A church building should be a conduit for contact with the surrounding community. Not a sanctuary from it…not a strong-tower.
It’s time to re-think this form of consumerist philosophy. It is time to disconnect our sense of worth from property. What would Jesus do? I don’t know. I never got the vibe that he was in to property rights…he seemed indifferent toward property. There was a time when church buildings were works of art…so much so that when they were of no use to the church community that once filled their voids, they became useful to the community at large. They were made into pubs or libraries or personal dwellings…all of which are more akin to first century churches than the mega-box churches of western white-washed suburbia that we see today. Re-purposed commercial buildings are not only more centrally-located to the community, they’re also (when used with proper hospitality) a gift to the people in the community. A gift for which it is hard to be compensated. In a consumerist society, that is a rare gift. And it is an important gift, if for no other reason than to keep the giver honest…
…that’s me in the spotlight, losing my train of thought
“I do not consider myself a literal genius.” –Lil Wayne
It just so happens that as I was sitting at my desk suffering from writer’s block, if such a thing actually exists–I’m not convinced it does…but I am convinced that there are times when: My brain + An implement used to translate imagination to reading material = Nada, that my friend JD texted me. I explained to him my conundrum. He replied with the advice that I should write something abstract. He then gave me a topic suggestion, which I thought was a stolen line from a Roger Miller song…he denies this, but I think he is bluffing; banking on the fact I won’t check. It’s a safe bet. So I decided to take JD’s advice (in a way). And now, for your reading pleasure, *the most literal blog post in the universe:
This is a blog post. I wrote it at 5:35p (pacific) on September the 3rd two-thousand thirteen. It won’t be available for you to read until 6:00a (pacific) on September the 4th two-thousand thirteen on account of technology. The bulk of the preceding is moot.
*Disclaimer: The terms: Most, Blog, Post, and Universe are not meant to be literally interpreted. Also, Literal. The first one, not the second. I am not delusional enough to think this the first time someone’s used this idea to **fill space on their blog. However, I did not get this idea from reading any materials either on-line or off so please do not contact me with regard to my stealing your idea. Also, if you are afraid of someone stealing this idea, you may want to come up with other ideas…I recommend: The Reader’s Digest, it is witty and no one will catch you recycling content…***3/4 of all my blog posts are stolen from: Life in these United States. Lastly, please do not steal this idea…it is being considered for a made-for-T.V. movie that I consider a strong candidate for: The 2nd Best Marionette-Puppet Movie Ever Made…I can almost smell the daytime Emmy…or I’ve mistaken it for the smell of my own desperation…
**Using superfluous marginally-coherent rhetoric to fill one’s blog is shitty behavior. It should in no way be rewarded. Particularly not with a Day Time Emmy.
***I have never stolen an idea for my blog from The Reader’s Digest, this sentence was meant to further illustrate my ignorance of fractions…I’m not sure if 3/4s of 91 blog posts equals 0%, but it doesn’t sound right…
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