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Portable Potties; Portable Problems

hey, how 'bout those Broncs?

hey, how ’bout those Broncs?

“I have always found it quaint and rather touching that there is a movement [Libertarians] in the US that thinks Americans are not yet selfish enough.” –Christopher Hitchens

I have a couple of bigger topics on which I am working.  But I am in no mood for the serious contemplation of tropes like: Libertarianism or Neo-Reformers, whose appetites for control have more in common with the Diet of Worms (yes, the one from 1521) than with Luther.  Maybe it’s the heat…maybe it’s because serious discussion is as popular as the NFL of 15 years ago; when defenses won football games, and guacamole, as an issue, hadn’t even entered the periphery of the average fan.  Besides, there are no libertarians…not of the principled sort anyhow.  Most self-described libertarian tea-party types that I know make their living from the Federal Government in one way or another.  I live in Bremerton, WA where the influence of the Navy on the local economy is inescapable.  Hell, I know some tea-party types who work for the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard.  A small-government conservative working for the feds…what can be said about that?  It leaves me with no other recourse but to quote the great Walter Sobchak: “…say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”  But, again, I am in no mood for the serious contemplation of such nonsense…

I realized just this week that I am utterly disgusted by port-a-potties where-in the contents of said vessel have exceeded the pre-determined volume of sanitizing solution; a substance that will be, here-to-forward, known as: “Blue Juice”.  When I walk into a port-a-john and see scat islands (I’ve a sneaking suspicion “scat-islands” was supposed to have been hyphenated) rising out above the grip of the humid and tyrannical Blue Juice, I freak the fuck out.  Like: I’m Robby Keough and my suit just ripped–which we all know would be sadder if my part was being played by Gwyneth Paltrow (though just slightly) because there is a very strict threshold of diminishing returns when one uses the “Rene Russo” method of garnering sympathy–kind of freak-out.  “Oh shit, Sam…oh shit; it’s airborne!”

I walk in and right away I start scouring my brain for science trivia…or shit I’ve read on Facebook that might give me a clue as to which is safer: breathing through my nose or my mouth.  And I am never prepared for it…my lungs are filled with the normal quantity of non-public-toilet atmosphere that one carries when one casually walks into a room (even if that room is a blue sweat-lodge filled with the waste from a couple hundred inefficient hung-over colons, and I’m stuck wondering if shallow breaths through my now-t-shirt-covered-nose will be enough to sustain brain-function, or if I should turn around and face public ridicule as I open the door to fill my lungs with air whose hepatitis ratio has a less “developing-nation” vibe.  The funny thing is I have no idea whether or not any serious scientific research has been done on this topic.  But that doesn’t stop me from imagining what the New England Journal of Medicine has to say about this scenario…

The whole New England Journal of Medicine thought process quickly hits an intellectual check-point when I slowly (thanks, in large part, to my oxygen deficiency) realize two things at once: 1) The Journal probably has no appreciable advice on this topic (due to lack of evidence…due to lack of interest…due to doo-doo) and 2) I have never read the New England Journal of Medicine.  I don’t even know if that is a thing.  I don’t know if there is one journal with many volumes or if it’s just one huge Hogwartian tome.  I feel like if I was to see this Journal I would feel like a wiccan at my first bible-study.  “What’s with all of the letters and numbers?  No wonder why you guys love BINGO.”

Yeah I wasn’t feeling the BINGO joke either, sometimes you swing…

I’ve also come to realize that I hate the politicizing of the gospel.  I’ve never noticed this before.  The topic was always used in reference to political activists who see themselves as ministering to people through community service.  The connotation of which was always negative because their presence made the ruling-class of any given community uncomfortable.  There is something to be said for the comfort of the status-quo.  I’ve since come to realize that the most pervasive political opinion, in the church which uses the gospel as a justification, is indifference…



About pats0

Pats0 is a writer who is informed by a punk-rock ethos, and a hatred for group-think. He is the founding member of The Pirate-Clown Guild of Free-Thinkers, an aegis from under which he soils the internet with his thoughts. Welcome.

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