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Beer Commercials Are Easy

Everything You Know About Beer is a Lie

Everything You Know About Beer is a Lie

“Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!” –Bill Owens

The other day I wrote a little script of sorts for a beer commercial.  It cracks me up.  One day I really want to shoot it and put it up on Subversive Brewing’s Tumblr.  Subversive Brewing is a nano-brewery that my friend Mark and I are working on.  Anyhow, here you go:

Hi, I’m Tommy from Subversive Brewing…Are you tired of all the boring beers out there?  Well then you, sir or ma’am, are a loser–and a liar.  You have no idea about all of the beers out there.  And you clearly don’t take your research seriously.  If you had tried even a fraction of the beers available to mankind at this moment to a degree from which you could develop an informed opinion, you’d be dead from cirrhosis of the liver.  Instead you sit there in your pajamas in the basement of your step-brother’s mother’s house…a woman with whom you are too uncomfortable to call step-mom because she married and divorced your dead father well into your second act of life which catastrophically imploded at the county fair last summer.

But no worries…you’re just the person we at Subversive Brewing have in mind while we make our amazing beer.  You sitting there alone…drinking.  You see we don’t want you to be suicidal, but we don’t want you to super-model-pool-party happy either.  Those people don’t drink, at least not enough to coast our progeny through college.  We’ll leave those folks to the macro-brew industry.  Why do they cater to those people?  Because they’re idiots…Idiots who make crappy beer.  Just.  Like.  Everybody.  Else.

We at Subversive Brewing make fantastic beer.  Is it the best beer known to mankind?  (Chuckle) Well, we’re content to let history be the judge of that.  But we’re about as confident as a person can be, sans the ability of time-travel, that history thinks we’re pretty great.  And don’t worry we have our brewers working on that too.  (Peaks in through a doorway)  How we doing fellas?  (Cheers)  (The Brewers look up from the computer around which they’re gathered all wearing white lab-coats) “We’re one step closer…we won the auction.”  Yes!  We got the DeLorean!  If we have achieved time travel I’m sure my future self will interrupt me mid-sentence and tell me that history has decided we’re the best.  (Pauses for future self)  Well, maybe tomorrow.

So you’ve pre-maturely passed judgment on all of the other beers in the world.  Well that’s okay, we at Subversive Brewing aren’t going to tell you to go fuck yourself, but we’re not inviting you to our pool-party either.  Because you’re disgusting.  And that’s okay.  At least it will be after you’ve had a couple of these.  (Holds up a bottle)  Drink up buttercup, your options ain’t getting any more promising…

Announcer:  Subversive Brewing…everything you know about beer is a lie.

 

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About pats0

Pats0 is a writer who is informed by a punk-rock ethos, and a hatred for group-think. He is the founding member of The Pirate-Clown Guild of Free-Thinkers, an aegis from under which he soils the internet with his thoughts. Welcome.

2 responses to “Beer Commercials Are Easy

  1. I like that you’ve already identified who Subversive’s audience is. And that you intend to buy the Back To The Future DeLorean… I can pretty already gather from this exactly what your brew tastes like, and it’s amazing, with a bitter aftertaste.

    Like

    • pats0

      Yes our audience is going to have to be able to laugh at us and themselves…we will not be daunted by a commerce-model that encourages narcissism…oh and we didn’t get the actual DeLorean…on an unrelated topic, do you have a flux-capacitor lying about?

      Like

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