“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they’re not, we cry.” –David Duchovny
As a dirt-bag blogger with an unpopular view of reality, and a penchant for epic goat-trailed rants one might think I spend an inordinate amount of time sorting through hate e-mails and explaining myself in light of misunderstandings people have adopted about me based upon my inarticulate writing style. One would be wrong. People are actually quite nice to me. I’m thankful for that. And, seriously, an inarticulate writing style? You’ve gone too far with that one amorphous-internet-commenting-beings trapped in my head. There are quite a few questions that I get asked on a regular basis by blog-spammers from the comfort of their cubicles in exotic locales. This post’s intention is to help clear up some of the confusion.
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Good question, Lit Parapluie; the answer is as complex as it is long. No. I’m not terribly interested in that. I am quite pleased with my readers and look forward to the rate of growth to continue as I’ve experienced. I have no use for SEO language. I find it disingenuous. Please leave me alone and lose 50lbs. in two weeks, following these three easy steps!
What does your morning regimen look like before you settle in and write?
Great question, I can only assume that this was not sent by a spammer. Rather, this seems to be the question of a young hungry writer looking to climb the ladder to blogosphere mediocrity. I’m always willing to help with this. I think my morning starts out like most writers’; I wake up, slam a pot of coffee, slip into my yoga outfit, and do an hour of hot-yoga in a closet next to my desk where I have an “As Seen on T.V.” Heat Dish plugged into an over-exerted wall outlet. After that it’s off to the bathroom to make. Generally, while in there, I hone my Sudoku skills. Then I sort through all of the would-be distractions found on the internet…like e-mail, Facebook, twitter, and M.I.A. videos. After the last M.I.A. video (usually Paper Planes, for the millionth and one time, if I’m being honest…wink), I start to write using outlines that I’ve been working through.
Why does it take you so long to release new posts?
Did you not read the previous answer? That much yoga and coffee is not a cocktail that encourages normal-sized poops. I mean I’m in there for like one and a half Sudoku puzzles, or two hours in your time. By the time I get through this regimen, I’m lucky to have time to eat a rack of lamb and peanut butter toast lunch and settle in for the People’s Court…I love Harvey Levin; he’s so snarky…but in a masculine way. I get some writing done during commercial breaks, if I’m not too busy refilling my glass with Peppermint Schnapps and O.J. on the rocks…which is my favorite drink…It gives you the sensation of drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth. All. Day. Long.
Who is your favorite Band, and what is your favorite dictator?
Great question! My favorite band is, of course, The Beatles. I would elaborate on that answer, but it’s self-explanatory, and any attempt to do so would be nothing more than a naked attempt at padding my word-count for this post, something to which I am morally opposed, that and run-on sentences. And sentence fragments. As for my favorite dictator, being an history buff there are many dictators for whom I’ve formed an affinity, but my favorite is probably, King Nebuchadnezzar because he wasn’t afraid to get crazy. Either him or Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
What do you listen to while you are writing?
Oh, so many things. I’m glad you asked this question! It is possibly the most important part of my process. There is a leaky faucet in the bathroom next to the room where-in I write. So, as you can imagine, I listen to a lot of water dripping. This is appropriate as it literally drowns out the voices in my head to which I also listen…but not if I can help it. They generally try to interest me in setting various fires around town, or get to work on my “Enemies” list, because–as they say–“Enemies” lists don’t work on themselves…Hell, even Nixon knew that…or they sing “Fatty, Fatty, Two-by-Four” in disturbing off-key choir voices. You know, the normal stuff. It’s like the old adage goes, “You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick what the voices in your head are going to say next.” So true.
Do you believe in “Absolute Truth”?
Wow! Where did that come from? Spammers! I do believe that absolute truth is real. I believe absolute truth is a lot like Bigfoot; more people claim to have encountered it than those who actually have.
Do you think Captain America was a card-carrying Communist?
No, but I do have my suspicions about the Hulk. Well, actually, Dr. Banner (scientist, duh). The Hulk is all-American.
If you could have dinner with three of your heroes, who would they be?
Well, Jesus Christ is an obvious choice we could talk about love and loss…what happened to Him after His ascension…who was most shocked by their misconceptions about God after having met Him face to face…plus, the added bonus, a blogger’s budget is not conducive to the purchase of much wine, but we can afford all the water we want…Next would be Gandhi, because more Lobster for me…and finally, I’d round that table out with the ghost on the box of Boo-Berry cereal, because I’ve oft times found myself wondering if he takes seriously his position as a role-model for today’s youth…my notion is: he totally does.
So, wow, great questions! I hope that my answers were satisfactory. Keep these questions coming…let’s do this again! I had a great time and I think we all learned a little something today. And I am of the opinion that learning things is a great antidote for not knowing stuff. Are we going to save the world through this back and forth? I’m not a betting man but, if I were, I’d play the lottery. Send your questions to my Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pats0