When I was younger I used to hear a saying that goes thusly, “That and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee”; this was used in reference to someone’s opinion or some achievement they perceived about themselves. It was meant to say, “Whatever you are bragging about is without worth”, nowadays this has no meaning or its meaning has been diminished by exponential cost increases for a cup-o-Java. It would lead one to believe that their achievements are worth around three bucks (not bad scratch if you can get it). That was a long way to go to say the price of coffee has gone up, add to that fact that it was not a very interesting yarn, and I’m not even sure where I was going with it, and you’re left with a very shaky premise for a blog. Still, lets see what happens.
The next struggle with which I wrestle is a “fear” of success. I’m afraid of how it might change me as a person. Let’s face it success changes people; that’s a fact, but that fact conveniently overlooks other facts. Facts like, failure changes people, and change is a sometimes necessary hurdle on the path of maturity. So I think it would be fair to say fear of success is really fear of change, well at least for me. This fear is predicated on the idea that I am fine the way I am, an idea that does not bear the weight of honest scrutiny, I mean let’s be honest even my two year old can see that I could use some change in my life, especially in matters pertinent to her.
Another problem with the fear of success is it’s a bit presumptuous. “Hey I thought you wanted to become a writer; why haven’t you written anything?” To which I reply, “Oh that? Well I was afraid to start writing because the success, I would inevitably enjoy, might change me”. To which they would reply, “Oh well if I were you I wouldn’t worry about that too much”. Nice. It’s really quite up-surd.
Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”, to which Demetri Martin adds the word “man” on the end. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying not to examine my life, mainly, because of fear. But is that the only reason? It seems to me fear alone wouldn’t stop a man from doing such important work as self-examination. No, on a certain level there is a comfort that enjoy with who I am that is self-destructive in some ways. “I am okay just the way I am”. That and about three bucks will get me a cup of coffee…don’t bother leaving room for cream.
This “fear” thread is getting stale, next up: “The DUI Chronicles”, a series of blog entries based loosely on my experience with the wrong side of the law after a
night decade of ill-advised behavior.